Guest Opinion: Saving high school friendships from 'death by long distance' Guest Opinion: Saving high school friendships from 'death by long distance' (September 29, 2004)

by Mischa G. Stephens

There are a few certainties when entering college: the "freshman 15" average weight gain, intro courses filled with so many other students one feels swallowed up, and -- especially -- the jolt of moving away from home, friends and the familiar.

Shunning the cafeteria burger bar in favor of exercise and finding courses so interesting you lose yourself in the material rather than in the flood of peers take care of the first two. ` Moving away is more complicated.

In the popular teen/college sitcom, "Saved by the Bell," a group of friends stay together as they enter a nearby college. Unfortunately for today's aspiring pilgrims of tomorrow -- my Paly classmates -- there is no close-by college that meets everyone's academic and financial needs so long-time best friends can venture onward together.

We face the hard inevitability that with every move forward something must be left behind -- sometimes a close friend.

Life and sitcoms may not always mesh, but life and technology can. Through online communities, networking sites, instant messaging, blogs, e-mail and live journals, my generation of college-bound friends have a plethora of opportunities to stay connected, up to date, any day, any time, by the minute, even second.

People say we live in an attention-deficient culture, in which focusing on one thing at a time is inefficient and multitasking is the norm. What better way to write a term paper than simultaneously to surf for the best prices for the latest techno-widget while chatting with buddies online?

We have come a long way since receiving a three-page letter from a far-away friend was considered a big deal. It is no longer length or quality of the communication but frequency that sustains our links. The Internet is ideal for the frequent connections that help keep long-distance friendships alive.

Is it enough to sustain the commitment of time and attention that make friendships work and survive? For some, no. But I find it is working for me and a close friend from Paly, and I see it working for others.

While we had other friends, I have had a "best friendship" -- what Aristotle might call a "companion friendship," a relationship based upon a commitment to mutual disclosure and well-wishing -- that has lasted since the seventh grade.

Middle and high school seemed simpler times: Our friendship was a series of meet-ups rather than meetings. We would meet up on our bike route to school every morning and at the bike racks after school.

We would meet up after school to play tennis, on weekends to play video games, rent movies and order Pizza Hut. We would sleep over in sleeping bags and talk about girls until we fell asleep. We never thought of commitment -- we were all we had.

In our group, there were no other best friends. There was the quiet one, the brainy one, the funny one from Aussie land (who would eventually leave and temporarily stun the group dynamic), and there was us. We were our own category. We didn't need the group dynamic to fit in -- we could just be and find comfort in ourselves, our talk flowing effortlessly from shared experiences.

Then college happened. Distance happened. The gap between East and West coasts seemed infinite compared to our familiar, tree-lined bike route. I felt I would be as remote from him as from the stars. At college, we made an effort to talk on the Internet about the daily this-and-that, and call every other week or so to catch up on serious stuff. This was the most we could do.

This summer our commitment was tested as we got back together after a school year. Reality set in. Comparing schedules, we realized we might not see each other for nearly two years: We both would be studying abroad and our academic breaks in between didn't match.

He suggested a road-trip adventure to Los Angeles as a way to strengthen our bonds of friendship -- but economic and scheduling difficulties forced us to cancel. I felt I was breaking a promise, being a bad friend.

For weeks a great weight rested on every conversation, as though everything -- because time was scarce -- had to be endowed with meaning, essential truths about our lives and friendship. We'd meet up for dinner, go out for a pearl tea or movie, or just sit and talk.

Yet impending separation was like a looming shadow of some bleak, not-too-distant future. We knew we had the Internet. But what if it wasn't enough? Can commitment truly be maintained without in-person contact? We hoped so.

So far, it seems to be working. Though our friendship has waned in some ways, perhaps distance also makes it stronger -- because we have to work that much harder at showing our commitment.

With cell phones, the Internet and instant messaging, young people today benefit from unprecedented technology to help maintain friendships. This technology means friends can talk, keep up, bitch and moan, and ultimately continue to grow together, despite great distances. We hope.

Mischa G. Stephens is a lifelong Palo Altan and graduate of Palo Alto High School. He is entering his junior year at Swarthmore College. He can be e-mailed at mstephe1@swarthmore.edu.

E-mail a friend a link to this story.