“If We Have a Disagreement, We Argue Each Other’s Side of it as Well as Our Own.” | Couple's Net | Chandrama Anderson | Palo Alto Online |

Local Blogs

Couple's Net

By Chandrama Anderson

E-mail Chandrama Anderson

About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ...  (More)

View all posts from Chandrama Anderson

“If We Have a Disagreement, We Argue Each Other’s Side of it as Well as Our Own.”

Uploaded: Nov 12, 2022
“We decided long ago to become each other’s staunchest allies . . . If we have a disagreement, we argue each other’s side of it as well as our own. The first thought we have every morning is how to make the day wonderful for the other one. Works like a charm.”
- Unknown

If you all followed this advice, I wouldn’t have a job! Yet most people don’t learn these tools growing up, and so you rub against each other’s rough spots like stones in a tumbler. Eventually you get polished. Sometimes, people run out of hope and rope in the process, and the relationship doesn’t last.

The great news is that you can learn now. The neural pathways in your brain are malleable until you die.

You have to choose to change your behavior. Your partner has to choose to change his/her behavior. You can’t change your partner’s behavior. Remember, just as with kids, to say, “I don’t care for this behavior.” Not, “You’re bad” but “This behavior isn’t acceptable.” So use this format: “When _________, happens, I feel _________, _________, and _________. I need/wish _________.

How would your relationship be different if you had secure attachment (which the quote is a definition of)? How would it be different if you knew you were each other’s champions, that you got really good at arguing both of your sides in a disagreement? If your daily way was to make life wonderful for one another?

I think if we all do this, not only will you have a better marriage, the world will be a much healthier place for everyone.
Local Journalism.
What is it worth to you?

Comments

There are no comments yet for this post

Follow this blogger.
Sign up to be notified of new posts by this blogger.

Email:

SUBMIT

Post a comment

Sorry, but further commenting on this topic has been closed.

Stay informed.

Get the day's top headlines from Palo Alto Online sent to your inbox in the Express newsletter.

Which homes should lose gas service first?
By Sherry Listgarten | 5 comments | 10,283 views

Boichik Bagels is opening its newest – and largest – location in Santa Clara this week
By The Peninsula Foodist | 0 comments | 2,699 views

I Do I Don't: How to build a better marriage Page 15
By Chandrama Anderson | 0 comments | 1,365 views

WATCH OUT – SUGAR AHEAD
By Laura Stec | 14 comments | 1,229 views

 

Palo Alto Weekly Holiday Fund

For the last 30 years, the Palo Alto Weekly Holiday Fund has given away almost $10 million to local nonprofits serving children and families. 100% of the funds go directly to local programs. It’s a great way to ensure your charitable donations are working at home.

DONATE TODAY