Premarital and Couples: What feeling is not allowed, and what do you use in its place? | Couple's Net | Chandrama Anderson | Palo Alto Online |

Local Blogs

Couple's Net

By Chandrama Anderson

E-mail Chandrama Anderson

About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ...  (More)

View all posts from Chandrama Anderson

Premarital and Couples: What feeling is not allowed, and what do you use in its place?

Uploaded: Dec 13, 2019
What feeling do you not allow yourself to have, either because it is intolerable to you, your family didn't allow it, or it's just too scary or painful to have? What feeling or behavior do you use in its place?

Here are a few examples:

I can't feel vulnerable; I use anger instead.
I can't feel scared, I use disconnection instead.
I can't feel shame, I use judgement instead.
I can't feel anger, I use criticism instead.

Take a moment to consider your answer to this question. Breathe.

When you notice yourself feeling or behaving in your "instead" mode, slow down and wonder if the feeling you're not allowed to have is at play. Slow down some more. Just breathe and notice the feeling. Don't fix it, don't indulge it, just notice.

Try saying to yourself, "Isn't it interesting, I'm feeling _______." Breathe again.

When you can learn to tolerate your difficult feelings (notice I didn't say good/bad/right/wrong) you have the opportunity to find out what they're about. And you can then ask yourself what you need to attend to. Once you do, the feeling usually subsides. If you don't, the feeling grows until you pay attention.

Feelings are like road signs. Yield, Curves Ahead, or Sharp Left Turn is information to which you need to attend. Neither do you park your car under the road sign. Either ignoring the warning (a feeling) or parking (indulging/ruminating) will likely lead to a crash.  The same is true of your emotional life.

So for now, just notice. After you gather more information about yourself, you can devise experiments to address these feelings. If you want help, ask for it.
Democracy.
What is it worth to you?

Comments

There are no comments yet for this post

Follow this blogger.
Sign up to be notified of new posts by this blogger.

Email:

SUBMIT

Post a comment

Sorry, but further commenting on this topic has been closed.

Stay informed.

Get the day's top headlines from Palo Alto Online sent to your inbox in the Express newsletter.

Worried about the cost of climate change? Here is some hope.
By Sherry Listgarten | 23 comments | 3,396 views

Two Hours - 75,000 Meals – Wanna Help?
By Laura Stec | 0 comments | 1,890 views

 

Sign-up now for 5K Run/Walk, 10k Run, Half Marathon

The 39th annual Moonlight Run and Walk is Friday evening, September 29. Join us under the light of the full Harvest Moon on a 5K walk, 5K run, 10K run or half marathon. Complete your race in person or virtually. Proceeds from the race go to the Palo Alto Weekly Holiday Fund, benefiting local nonprofits that serve families and children in Santa Clara and San Mateo Counties.

REGISTER