"Better" Dads and "Re-invigorated" Moms: Happier Couples | Couple's Net | Chandrama Anderson | Palo Alto Online |

Local Blogs

Couple's Net

By Chandrama Anderson

E-mail Chandrama Anderson

About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ...  (More)

View all posts from Chandrama Anderson

"Better" Dads and "Re-invigorated" Moms: Happier Couples

Uploaded: Jul 12, 2019
I read an article by Rachel Zucker on the NY Times website: "Honey, Let's Get a Little Divorced."  One thing that caught my attention was Rachel's wondering why she hears of post-divorce Dads becoming better Dads, and post-divorce Moms returning to set-aside dreams and "finding themselves."  Dad takes charge of parenting more (without Mom's interventions or criticisms), and Mom becomes more independent, without the Mom-guilt.

Take a few minutes to read her article, and as you do, think about your own relationship, and without judgment, notice where you fall on the spectrum of the mom/dad dynamic and husband/wife interactions, and the idea of egalitarianism in your relationship. Just notice.

Of course there are many dynamics to observe in your marriage, especially when you've been together for a while, but these two are often intertwined in a way that lead to decreased personal and marital happiness.  I have seen and continue to see couples struggling with this. It builds resentment, and alters our "rose colored glasses" to a dirty brown color; and that is no way to see or be seen by our partner.

You get into a story about each other that keeps you from being connected. Think of holding two magnets in the wrong direction: that push apart that you viscerally know. It happens in your primary relationship, too. And that is one lonely place to be.

The next time you think, or are about to say something, or judge your partner about how he or she does something, PAUSE, and think about what will be magnets pushing away, or magnets pulling toward connection. Experiment with words, thoughts, and feelings that bring you together. Notice how you feel. Just notice, without judgment.
What is democracy worth to you?
Support local journalism.

Comments

There are no comments yet for this post
Sorry, but further commenting on this topic has been closed.

Stay informed

Get daily headlines sent straight to your inbox.

Disposing of Disposables
By Sherry Listgarten | 21 comments | 2,220 views

Couples Counseling, Al Pacino Style
By Chandrama Anderson | 0 comments | 1,679 views

Facing high kitchen turnover, Los Altos' The Post revamps majority of its menu
By Elena Kadvany | 1 comment | 1,421 views

Anonymous Sources: Facebook and YouTube suppressing important questions and discussion
By Douglas Moran | 3 comments | 522 views

NICU Love
By Cheryl Bac | 0 comments | 236 views