By Chandrama Anderson
E-mail Chandrama Anderson
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ... (More)
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in Silicon Valley for 15 years before becoming a therapist. My background in high-tech is helpful in understanding local couples' dynamics and the pressures of living here. I am a wife, mom, sister, friend, author, and lifelong advocate for causes I believe in (such as marriage equality). My parents are both deceased. My son graduated culinary school and is heading toward a degree in Sociology. I enjoy reading, hiking, water fitness, movies, 49ers and Stanford football, Giants baseball, and riding a tandem bike with my husband. I love the beach and mountains; nature is my place of restoration. In my work with couples, and in this blog, I combine knowledge from many fields to bring you my best ideas, tips, tools and skills, plus book and movie reviews, and musings to help you be your genuine self, find your own voice, and have a happy and healthy relationship. Don't be surprised to hear about brain research and business skills, self-soothing techniques from all walks of life, suggestions and experiments, and anything that lights my passion for couples. (Author and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Calif. Lic # MFC 45204.) (Hide)
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Since publishing my book, No U-Turn at Mercy Street: A Memoir and Resource Guide for Grieving Parents, I've heard from readers that resonate with reading about my miscarriages.
Miscarriage is usually an unspoken grief. Women are often told they can try again, which is not what we need to hear. The feedback I've gotten is gratitude that I wrote about miscarriage, followed by their stories of miscarriage. I was honored to listen. Miscarriage rates are high, you likely know a woman who has had one.
If you have had a miscarriage please find a trusted friend, relative or clergy person to share your story with.
If you know someone who has had a miscarriage, please offer them a listening ear and an open mind: emotional presence is what we all need to heal.
For those of you interested in the rates of miscarriage, UpToDate, an online reference source for doctors and patients, relates the following statistics:
"Studies show that about 10% to 20% of women who know they are pregnant have a miscarriage some time before 20 weeks of pregnancy; 80% of these occur in the first 12 weeks. But the actual rate of miscarriage is even higher since many women have very early miscarriages without ever realizing that they are pregnant. One study that followed women's hormone levels every day to detect very early pregnancy found a total miscarriage rate of 31%."
If you'd like to know what to say to someone who is grieving (and what not to say), please download my free pamphlet, The Language of Grieving.