By Chandrama Anderson
E-mail Chandrama Anderson
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ... (More)
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in Silicon Valley for 15 years before becoming a therapist. My background in high-tech is helpful in understanding local couples' dynamics and the pressures of living here. I am a wife, mom, sister, friend, author, and lifelong advocate for causes I believe in (such as marriage equality). My parents are both deceased. My son graduated culinary school and is heading toward a degree in Sociology. I enjoy reading, hiking, water fitness, movies, 49ers and Stanford football, Giants baseball, and riding a tandem bike with my husband. I love the beach and mountains; nature is my place of restoration. In my work with couples, and in this blog, I combine knowledge from many fields to bring you my best ideas, tips, tools and skills, plus book and movie reviews, and musings to help you be your genuine self, find your own voice, and have a happy and healthy relationship. Don't be surprised to hear about brain research and business skills, self-soothing techniques from all walks of life, suggestions and experiments, and anything that lights my passion for couples. (Author and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Calif. Lic # MFC 45204.) (Hide)
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This poem – Coupon – was sent to me through a daily poetry email I receive. I got the poet’s permission to share it with you. As you read it, think of yourself and how you might apply it. Also think of your spouse and beloved, and how you might apply to him/her. Next, think of your relationship and definitely apply it to your marriage.
Where/how will you give yourself, each other, and your marriage a break?
Too many couples are holding on to things that happened in the past that weren’t done how you wanted it done – especially based on how you think it should have been done. Expectations come from growing up in your own family, or noticing what your friends or acquaintances do, instead of seeing the person in front of you who is doing it his/her way with love and care. Maybe you didn’t request it be done –you think s/he should have known. Except people are not actually mind readers, and you do need to be explicit with each other (you won’t always get what you want, but you have a much higher chance if your partner knows what you want/need).
Take in the love coming your way; learn to stretch yourself to recognize how your partner gives love, and take it in. Also learn how your beloved wants to receive love, and give him/her what s/he needs.
Let yourself and each other have this coupon.
In lieu of a poem
I have written you a
You may clip it out,
slip it in your wallet,
It isn’t redeemable for tangible goods
&/or services of any sort
(unless a Goods &/or Service Provider
should decide to honor it of their own accord,
it’s always possible…)
But for my making:
This coupon is yours to redeem
to give yourself a break
today, any day,
to make yourself a deal,
a get-out-of-your-own-jail-for-free card,
a take-a-day-off-from-self-doubt-&-self-loathing voucher,
an hour-free-of-despair zone,
whatever deal you want to make with yourself,
whatever you think may be too much to ask of yourself,
but a little something off the price—
10%? 50%? 1000%?—
may help swing the deal,
Then go ahead, redeem this coupon,
swing yourself a deal,
give yourself a break.
What are you waiting for?
(Coupon expires only when you do.)
- Gary Turchin