By Chandrama Anderson
E-mail Chandrama Anderson
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ... (More)
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in Silicon Valley for 15 years before becoming a therapist. My background in high-tech is helpful in understanding local couples' dynamics and the pressures of living here. I am a wife, mom, sister, friend, author, and lifelong advocate for causes I believe in (such as marriage equality). My parents are both deceased. My son graduated culinary school and is heading toward a degree in Sociology. I enjoy reading, hiking, water fitness, movies, 49ers and Stanford football, Giants baseball, and riding a tandem bike with my husband. I love the beach and mountains; nature is my place of restoration. In my work with couples, and in this blog, I combine knowledge from many fields to bring you my best ideas, tips, tools and skills, plus book and movie reviews, and musings to help you be your genuine self, find your own voice, and have a happy and healthy relationship. Don't be surprised to hear about brain research and business skills, self-soothing techniques from all walks of life, suggestions and experiments, and anything that lights my passion for couples. (Author and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Calif. Lic # MFC 45204.) (Hide)
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I went to see The St. John’s Choir of Cambridge (England) perform at Stanford Memorial Church this week. My husband and I sat in the balcony over the north transept. This location provided a good spot for people watching in much of the church, as well as seeing most of the chancel.
As I listened to the singing and organ playing, I looked around at the hundreds of couples near, across and below me. I realized that I did not see couples holding hands! In one young couple near me, he had his arm around her.
What’s going on? Holding hands can be one of the simplest means of conveying love, affection, and care. I have to hope all those couples still feel love and affection for their beloved. And that you, do, too.
If you do not feel love and connection, please take action now to begin to regain it. The longer you wait, the longer it takes to regain the lost ground.
What did you do to win each other over early on? You wooed one another. I bet your partner would love to experience those behaviors and have those words expressed now, even all these years later. Don’t assume she knows you love her and hold her in high esteem. Don’t think he doesn’t like to know that you appreciate him and all he does for you. Tell him. Show her.
Our brains are regulated by our partner, and holding hands and other physical touch is part of that. We can have soothing touch, pleasure touch, sexual touch, calming touch, and more.
As you go about your daily life, notice if couples are holding hands. Are they young? Middle years? Seniors?
Experiment with holding your own partner’s hand. When do you feel inclined or disinclined to do so? Do you reach out anyway? How does it feel? Are you comfortable? Do you like it? How does she react? Does he like it? Does it make you think about adding additional touch into your daily life? Does holding hands in everyday life affect your sex life? Your intimate moments?
I love holding hands with my husband. We hold hands while walking, at concerts, watching sports, talking about our day, and so on.
The sky’s the limit. Gently take her hand . Reach for his hand. Invite.