By Chandrama Anderson
E-mail Chandrama Anderson
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ... (More)
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in Silicon Valley for 15 years before becoming a therapist. My background in high-tech is helpful in understanding local couples' dynamics and the pressures of living here. I am a wife, mom, sister, friend, author, and lifelong advocate for causes I believe in (such as marriage equality). My parents are both deceased. My son graduated culinary school and is heading toward a degree in Sociology. I enjoy reading, hiking, water fitness, movies, 49ers and Stanford football, Giants baseball, and riding a tandem bike with my husband. I love the beach and mountains; nature is my place of restoration. In my work with couples, and in this blog, I combine knowledge from many fields to bring you my best ideas, tips, tools and skills, plus book and movie reviews, and musings to help you be your genuine self, find your own voice, and have a happy and healthy relationship. Don't be surprised to hear about brain research and business skills, self-soothing techniques from all walks of life, suggestions and experiments, and anything that lights my passion for couples. (Author and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Calif. Lic # MFC 45204.) (Hide)
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Mandy Len Catron wrote a column recently for the NY Times called To Fall in Love with Anyone, Do This
The article is based on work done by Arthur Aron 20 years ago in which Aron created an experiment to see if he could script a set of ever deepening, and ever more vulnerable questions
, followed by four minutes of eye contact, to get people to fall in love.
In her story, Catron decided to give it a shot, and she did fall in love (although she admits there was attraction there to begin with).
I wonder if established couples could go through these 36 questions and rekindle or enhance their love. So please give it a try, and let me know how it goes.
All of this reminds me of a powerful exercise I did in high school called "A Dyadic Encounter." This was in a weekend humanities class at Community High School in Ann Arbor, MI in 1976. We were handed a small mimeographed booklet to use with a partner.
Amazingly, my husband still has one of the Dyadic Encounter booklets from the time we met. The booklet has no author, date, or institution listed on it, so I am unable to site the material beyond what I've stated here. (If you know who wrote this, please let me know.) [See Laura's comment, below, her parents John and Johanna Jones wrote A Dyadic Encounter
As with Aron's questions, A Dyadic Encounter builds intimacy, vulnerability, and trust between two people. It is designed to help people get to know each other, and therefore can be used by those who want to know someone better. I think couples need to get to know each other better ? again ? at times.
My husband and I did A Dyadic Encounter a year or two after high school. We were already good friends (not sweethearts), and it definitely helped us become closer friends.
I am going to post A Dyadic Encounter
on my site, to retain publishing guidelines. You can go through the process with your beloved (or on dates).