See Me. Hear Me. Don't Fix Me. | Couple's Net | Chandrama Anderson | Palo Alto Online |

Local Blogs

Couple's Net

By Chandrama Anderson

E-mail Chandrama Anderson

About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ...  (More)

View all posts from Chandrama Anderson

See Me. Hear Me. Don't Fix Me.

Uploaded: Aug 22, 2014
It seems so simple. But to see, listen and not fix is harder than to reassure or apologize.

We need to know our spouse gets us. We are competent, intelligent people that can solve a problem.

What we all want is to be loved. We know we are loved by being seen, heard and given empathy. Having each others' back. Seeking comfort and sex from one another. Creating a home that is a haven.

I know you've read this on Couple's Net before. It's because these are the basics.

Sit with her/him. Breathe through your own discomfort. Reflect back what you hear and offer words of empathy (that must feel . . .; sounds hard . . .; you wanted it to go a different way . . ., etc.) Just be there, supporting, caring, loving.

Hold back the fixing words. In the end, it will fix your marriage.



Photo by imelenchon
We need your support now more than ever. Can we count on you?

Comments

 +   2 people like this
Posted by anniversary, a resident of Leland Manor/Garland Drive,
on Aug 26, 2014 at 11:00 am

Interesting that this was posted on my 27th wedding anniversary. Too bad I didn't see it then and show it to my husband. You hit the nail on the head about the main thing missing in my marriage, which otherwise is quite strong and satisfying. Thank you for giving me this tool. I'll show it to my husband tonight.


 +   3 people like this
Posted by Chandrama Anderson, a Palo Alto Online blogger,
on Aug 26, 2014 at 3:17 pm

Chandrama Anderson is a registered user.

Happy Anniversary! You are welcome. I hope this tool will provide many more, and even better, years together.


Follow this blogger.
Sign up to be notified of new posts by this blogger.

Email:

SUBMIT

Post a comment

Sorry, but further commenting on this topic has been closed.

Get fact-based reporting on the COVID-19 crisis sent to your inbox daily.

Fresh from the water: Popular local fishing boat starts selling seafood at Port of Redwood City
By Elena Kadvany | 1 comment | 6,243 views

Constantly coping with the virus: We need a total lockdown now
By Diana Diamond | 45 comments | 3,596 views

Did a hedge fund just steal your EV rebate?
By Sherry Listgarten | 2 comments | 2,127 views

Easing Back to School Anxiety
By Cheryl Bac | 0 comments | 788 views

I’ve Been Diagnosed with Essential Tremor (ET)
By Chandrama Anderson | 1 comment | 562 views

 

Who is your local hero?

Whether they're grocery shopping for a neighbor or volunteering for a nonprofit, you can spread the joy and support our journalism efforts by giving them a shout-out.

Learn More