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By Chandrama Anderson

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About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and have lived in and around Palo Alto since 1969. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in Silicon Valley for 15 years before becoming a therapist. My background i...  (More)

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Miscarriage, Grievin​g and Advice

Uploaded: May 13, 2014
I read a beautiful piece you wrote sharing your experience with pregnancy loss. I too have one lovely son, but suffered four miscarriages within the last year and a half. I'm in therapy but suspect I need something more specific to the experience. I can't find anything in my area. Do you have any specific online groups or listings for in person groups you can recommend? Maybe I'll find something that way.


Hi Amy,
Thank you for writing to me. I am so sorry to hear of the many losses you have suffered in the last 18 months. My heart goes out to you. So much hope, broken dreams, loss of the future . . .

Ask your therapist or OB-GYN if they know of any local, in-person groups. Two online support groups I know well are Open to Hope and The Compassionate Friends. The latter has local chapters in many areas. Also, you may want to read my book, No U-Turn at Mercy Street: A Memoir and Resource Guide for Grieving Parents.

Other online support is available through these organizations (I don't personally have any experience with them):

Please know that whatever you are feeling and experiencing is normal for grieving miscarriage.

To help educate those around you about grief, and have a list of things to say and not to say, check out The Language of Grieving (it's free, pass it along).

I wish you and your family all my best through this most difficult journey you never wanted to be on.


 +  Like this comment
Posted by neighbor, a resident of Another Palo Alto neighborhood,
on May 13, 2014 at 12:08 pm

I highly recommend Alexandra Bley.
Her techniques go way beyond traditional hypnosis.

I had a miscarriage 6 years back. After working with Alexandra, I found how I was holding on to those emotions several years later, how my body was affected by it. I was eventually able to let go.

 +  Like this comment
Posted by kind words, a resident of Atherton: West Atherton,
on May 13, 2014 at 1:17 pm

I suffered two miscarriages and I have two healthy children. I'm at peace with it - but I always wanted more children. When I say this, people quickly counter with the perky, "well, look at the two you have!" And I do, and I'm thankful.

But a compassionate friend said to me, "It's hard if you feel like your family isn't complete." BINGO! If you know someone who suffers a miscarriage but already has children, you might consider saying something along those lines. For me it is so, so, so true. My kids are nearly grown, but sometimes that feeling still floods my heart: we should be a family of 6, not 4.

 +  Like this comment
Posted by Chandrama Anderson, a Palo Alto Online blogger,
on May 13, 2014 at 3:29 pm

Chandrama Anderson is a registered user.

Thank you both for your comments. I'm sorry you each suffered those losses. How true what we store in our bodies, and also what we feel, even years later. Great advice about what to say.

 +  Like this comment
Posted by Jessica T, a resident of Menlo Park,
on May 13, 2014 at 9:22 pm

Dear Amy,

I'm so sorry to hear about your struggle. I got great counsel and support through Stanford Fertility and Reproductive Medicine Center Emotional Support Program. Don't give up hope!

 +  Like this comment
Posted by Chandrama Anderson, a Palo Alto Online blogger,
on May 14, 2014 at 8:19 am

Chandrama Anderson is a registered user.

Jessica, thanks for sharing the support program. So many women deal with miscarriage. It is so often an unspoken grief.

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