Robots: I am tired of talking to you!

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Once upon a time, not too long ago, robots had not yet been trained to answer customer phone calls. But, alas, they learned, too well: to serve their owners, and to cleverly torment the humans they must talk to every day.

Yes, I am talking to you, robots, whose companies hire you, to supposedly guide me through a telephone tree to get to a live person to make an appointment or procure some information. Hiring robots helps these companies because they then need fewer employees. But that decision certainly does not help me. Do they care?

When I talk to you, Mr. or Ms. Robot, you immediately assume you are in control of me, and that I must meekly do things your way – and simply disregard what I want you to do.

For example, I call the Palo Alto Medical Foundation (PAMF) to talk to a nurse to see if my doctor found a substitute prescription for my itch. When the female robot answers, I ask for the Internal Medicine Department. She interrupts to tell me there are several: Mountain View, Palo Alto… I shout out “Palo Alto” and she continues going down her list Fremont, Sunnyvale, etc. I repeat “Palo Alto” but she says she doesn’t understand and sends me to their operator. I’ve learned to say Internal Medicine, Palo Alto in one breath and that works. Victory!

Last week, I called United Healthcare to check on their insurance coverage. After six rings, a male robot answered then sent me to their telephone tree – which did not contain “coverage” or “benefits” I pressed repeat. A voice answered and asked me for my name, birth date and zip code. I asked for a customer representative and it transferred ne. That phone rang once, then I was put on robot control, and waited and waited. “Thank you for your patience,” the robot said repeatedly to me. Then after a lapse of a couple more minutes, the voice thanks me again, telling me “Your call is very important to us.” If it’s so important, then why aren’t you answering the damn phone!” I thought. The next robot voice told me a customer representative will soon be with me.

A real live woman eventually answered and when I asked her about a questionable charge, she found me in their files but said my insurance was part of a group plan. “I will transfer you there, and if we get disconnected, here is their number.” Aha, she knew the fallacies of their phone system.

A new male robot answered in just four minutes and asked for my name and social security number. Strange. One robot wanted my birth date and zip, while the next my social security number? That’s concerning because I don’t like to give that out. The robot didn’t understand what I was complaining about.

I finally got to a live man; he found my file, and said my $787.97 charge was for my insurance for next month. I paid it. Total telephone time: 53 minutes. I’m taking delight now in timing all these waits on my robot-assisted calls.

And speaking of holding on the phone, a month ago I called a dermatology office at 3:15 p.m. on a Friday. The telephone rang 27 times and no one answered. I finally surmised that the probably the office had closed early that day. It would have been nice if they had left a message saying so.

But worse than that was when I made an early afternoon call to another medical group to see why I was still getting high bills from them, since the last two times they had not applied my secondary insurance and promised to do so. My phone call was answered by a robot, which asked me to hold.

The “waiting” music soon became intolerable—the same four beats over and over again. It was early afternoon. My holding was continuously interrupted by, “Thank you for your patience, a service agent will be with you shortly.” After 28 minutes, a new message came on: ”We can’t take your call right now, please call back tomorrow.” Tomorrow was Saturday, the office was closed for the weekend and for President’s Day on Monday.

Anger, frustration, vexation, exasperation – yes!

I ate a chunky chocolate candy to ease my frustration. One piece was hardly enough.

A non-robot related issue: Some calls seem to accidentally(?) get disconnected. I called Ravenswood Medical Clinic for information for a friend, and after waiting 15 minutes, someone picked up the phone, then I heard a click. I was disconnected. That happened twice.

Weeks ago, I called Palo Alto City Hall around 4 p.m. and hit a tall telephone tree. I wanted to ask about gas-powered leaf blowers. I pressed “5” for Public Works and got a second telephone tree, with further options. A robot finally answered and told me, “No one is here to take your call right now, but you can leave a message.” I did. I never heard back.

So, robots, what are you going to do to help us people, the ones you talk to all the time? Maybe report the problems to your person boss? Bet they didn’t train you for that. Tell your boss you can’t understand people? Well, your boss won’t like that because he will quickly tell you understanding is not your job.

Should we humans complain to the robot’s boss? Yes, if you can get on the telephone tree and

convince your robot to track him down. Good luck! In fact, lots of luck –and patience. You’ll need it.