July 20, 2005

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Palo Alto Online

Parent trap

by Alexandria Rocha

In a crowded park one afternoon, first-time mom Jill Woodford nursed her son Lucas. She figured most people know hungry babies do not like to wait.

So she was surprised when some moms gave her dirty looks. Woodford soon realized it wasn't the breastfeeding that made them uncomfortable. They were sneering because nursing a near-toddler -- Lucas was 2 1/2 years old at the time -- is sternly frowned upon in some mommy circles.

"It's awful because I think moms should be supporting each other and not fighting because they do things differently," said the 32-year-old Los Altos resident.

Unfortunately, that is not the case. Woodford's experience in the park is becoming all too common in areas like Palo Alto, where more and more highly-educated parents are finding their carefully researched child-rearing techniques under fire from equally intelligent parents who select different methods.

In this day and age, where generations of families are scattered across the globe, first-time parents are turning to an overwhelming amount of research to make decisions. Their choices are tough to make and can lead to feelings of vulnerability.

"For any given decision you can make, you can find a book that will tell you you're doing it wrong," said Dr. Harry Dennis, a pediatrician with the Palo Alto Medical Foundation.

This kind of pressure equals defensiveness that plays out in parks and online chat rooms where conversations can get tense.

"How the child comes out is the big mark of the parents' success and failure," Dennis said. "The expectations are very high now, especially in communities on the Mid-Peninsula. I think we get way too anxious because the stakes are so high."

Woodford hasn't just experienced heat for her parenting decisions in the park. Woodford once posted a pro-breast feeding article on a local mothers' club online chat group and received hateful e-mails in return.

"People were just so angry. I couldn't believe it. I was just providing information," she said.

Because of situations like this, the same local group imploded last summer. Some members were accused of trying to censor postings that could be considered argumentative, while others wanted a free flow of communication. It's just another reflection of how serious moms are taking their parenthood.

When Mila Zelkha, 27, who graduated from Gunn High School about 10 years ago with her husband Darius, joined an online mom's group a few months ago, she quickly learned how strange and fervent the discussions can be.

When a debate over giving organic milk to children erupted, Zelkha, whose son Isaac is 1, noticed that although most of the moms seemed to be feeding their children that type of milk, many were apologizing out of fear they would be criticized for their decision. They had good reason.

"People were using words like health food nazi and eco-freak," she said. "I was like, wow, is it really that horrible to be doing what you could label as new-age? I really don't see myself as new-agey at all."

Zelkha said the criticism takes its toll.

"We have pressures ... before we have kids to do really well in our work, and when you do make decisions, you're tired of hearing people question or criticize," she said. "I don't like it when people cast doubts into things that you've already chosen to do."

Local experts and moms point to various reasons for this defensiveness, including an overwhelming amount of information that is at once helpful and daunting.

A search for "motherhood" on Amazon.com pulls up more than 36,000 titles. On Google, the same inquiry finds about 2.4 million Web sites. More than ever, the books and Web sites are about how to navigate the wild, scary world of parenting, rather than offer soothing encouragement. One author has even titled her book: "Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety."

The children's health studies in these books and Web sites are so abundant that a new mom can weigh the benefits and ramifications of almost any decision regarding her baby.

When it comes to infant immunizations, for example, it used to be that parents didn't bat an eye -- the doctor's word was the way to go. Now, parents can study the dangers of each immunization, as well as the disease, and decide for themselves which one to battle. With new reports linking vaccines for the rise in autism, what is a parent suppose to do?

And what about breast feeding? How about letting the baby fall asleep by crying, known as "crying it out?" Some say babies can self-sooth. Others disagree.

When struggling over whether to let Lucas cry it out, Woodford read materials that the method releases stress hormones in the baby, which made her shudder. However, it still wasn't an easy decision.

"If I wanted to go out to watch a movie, I might have to schedule it around my son's sleep schedule, rather than leaving somebody else to put him down," she said. "I can't just go away for the weekend. It's limiting for me."

The plethora of information is often contradictory and confusing.

"There are so many theories. In regards to sleeping, I can count 25 ways," said Dorothy Goor, executive co-director of Blossom Birth Services, a nonprofit Palo Alto-based organization serving families in the childbearing years.

Adding to the overflow of materials, are the massive baby retail and service events gaining popularity among moms, said Goor. Most recently, the Yeah Baby Expo held at the Santa Clara County Convention Center in March was packed with hundreds of booths.

Businesses and services were on hand to help moms make a plethora of decisions -- from whether to preserve their baby's cord blood, to what baby jogger is best, to advice on how to throw a stellar toddler birthday party. The event attracted more than 20,000 people. Expos, said Goor, highlight the drastic increase in parenting options. For example, 20 years ago a parents had a choice of two strollers. Now, they pick among dozens, she added.

"For some, everything seems necessary now," Goor said.

For decades, there were only a few trusted sources for answers. One of the most prominent was the late Dr. Benjamin Spock, whose books popularized the revolutionary idea that parenting can be fun and flexible. If it wasn't Spock, it was mom or grandma.

Because so many adults now settle in areas according to where their jobs are located, not to mention the housing affordability, it's rare that elderly parents live near their adult children when they start families.

This isolation is one reason why today's parents are doing their own research, Goor said.

"All of a sudden new parents don't have grandma around to say, 'Oh, it's OK if you don't do it that way,'" she said. "That whole link is being lost now because people are moving away."

Blossom, in fact, has seen just how eager parents are for support and basic instruction -- the center's enrollment grew by 20 percent last year.

Many moms in the Peninsula also bring the knowledge they've gathered as executives into the nursery. For example, Woodford used to research environmental issues for a neighbor. Learning about traffic and industrial pollution has affected her child-rearing decisions. She has made an effort to teach Lucas to ride his bike and walk places rather than drive.

"I like to know everything that's available and choose what fits the best for our lifestyle and what we feel is the best for our family," said Woodford, who was a high-tech analyst before becoming pregnant.

Zelkha has seen the links between asthma and certain building materials in her work as an architect.

"There's all kinds of toxins that we carry around with us until we die and people didn't even know that back then. Now people are learning how to ask questions," she said. "I'm not suspicious of everything in life, but I think you have to read the fine print."

The way moms find companionship has also changed because of this growing intensity. Although mothers' groups are meant to help parents find common ground and develop relationships with those in the same stage of life, they have almost created a harsher division.

For example, in her own home, Zelkha is confident in her child-rearing decisions. When she is around other moms, however, she is hesitant to share that her family co-sleeps.

"When I'm in public I lose my confidence," she said. "I say it's because we're living with my mom and we don't have that much space or it's very convenient to feed him at night." Woodford said people are more critical of other's choices here.

"I'm from Iowa. I have friends who are there and have children and they seem to be perfectly happy," she said. "I think it's here. It's people like I am. I am a very competitive person. I run everyday. What's competitive about staying home and taking care of a 2-year-old?"

Dennis sternly cautions parents against judging each other. He said there are very few questions with only one right answer.

"Now, if a parent sees a friend giving a 7-month-old a bottle of juice ... ," he said. "I want friends to be able to tell friends what they've learned."

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