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By Chandrama Anderson

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About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and have lived in and around Palo Alto since 1969. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in Silicon Valley for 15 years before becoming a therapist. My background i...  (More)

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Marriage Interview 2: Look for Good in My Husband Every Day

Uploaded: Mar 3, 2015
Sally and Richard have been married for 22 years. They met in 1992, on a blind date set up by her brother. They began dating right away and married 11 months later.

One of the biggest problems they've worked on, and continue to work on is more effective communication. This is not surprising, as it is the number one reason couples call for counseling ? communication. Yet what I hear in this marriage is the verb "working." Working on a relationship is what it takes to be happy and healthy, and to keep growing as each person grows and changes with the stages of life and experiences had.

A portion of the interview is:

Does this sound familiar: One person retreats when the other becomes "loud" or uses a "tone" OR one becomes loud because the other has retreated? We call this a wave/island or pursuer/distancer interaction. Which of these do you see yourself as? How do you deal with this?

Yes, Sally answers, this interaction happens. She handles it by taking a break if possible and waiting until she has some space from her strong feelings. Then she can discuss the situation with Richard.

Sally's tips for couples are:

1. Look for the good in my husband every day.

2. Keep a sense of humor.

3. Keep a sense of perspective when challenges come up.


Comments

 +  Like this comment
Posted by MarriageCounselingAlt, a resident of another community,
on Mar 12, 2015 at 11:24 pm

The main thing to remember is communication and making time for each other. If you can do that then you will solve a lot of issues.


 +  Like this comment
Posted by Skylar Mitchell, a resident of Meadow Park,
on Mar 25, 2015 at 4:03 pm

I definitely think that this is sound advice when it comes to improving a marriage. I would really like to work on my marriage, and I think that staying positive is a really good tip. If I were to look for the good in my marriage every day, I am sure that it would really help improve my perspective of it. Thanks for this tip, I will talk to my husband about it too. I might also look for a good counselor that we can go to together so that we can start working on our relationship.


 +  Like this comment
Posted by Jenn Davies, a resident of another community,
on Apr 9, 2015 at 3:39 pm

A sense of humor is so important. Let's face it, marriage can be hard. But always keep in perspective the knowledge that you chose this person willingly, and you should be willing to fight for that. And it doesn't hurt to keep your own life in order either. See an individual counselor as well if you're going through marriage counseling.


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